Blue Jays conspiracy theorists cling to "second thrower" theory - The Beaverton
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Blue Jays conspiracy theorists cling to “second thrower” theory

TORONTO – With police claiming to have identified the man who threw a beer can onto the field during Tuesday’s wild-card game, a vocal subset of fans insist there was an unidentified “second thrower” in the Grandstand section, aka “the Grandstand Knoll”.

The infamous canning took place in the bottom of the seventh inning, targeting Orioles outfielder . Fans watched live, in horror, as “the can heard round the world” took aim at Soo Kim. A day later, the baseball community breathed a collective sigh of relief as police ID’d local copy editor as the canner. However, some remain skeptical.

“If you examine the footage from the canning, the angle is clearly all wrong for the can to have come from where Pagan was sitting,” explains theorist Melvin Langly, 47. “If you slow down the footage, you’ll see that the beer spray is completely inconsistent with the police report. It doesn’t spray at Soo Kim – it goes back, and to the left.”

“Back, and to the left.”

While the Toronto-wide manhunt continues for Pagan, Langly and his underground network of associates continue to insist on the existence of the so-called “second thrower”.

“The question isn’t ‘who’ would throw a second can, but ‘why’,” added self-described “Jays Truther” Richard Byers. “Who wanted the Orioles out of the playoffs, and to what end? The Bilderbergs? The Anheuser-Busch Cartel? Gregg Zaun?”

“You have no idea how deep this thing goes,” Byers intoned, ominously.

As the clandestine fans search both the dark web and the Toronto Sun sports section for clues, the “second thrower” isn’t the only conspiracy theory pushed by the group. The group’s Blue Jays conspiracy website, InfoJays, contains headlines for stories such as “Encarnacion Secretly Lizard Person?”, “ Removed And Replaced With Duplicate”, and “Rogers Spreads Fluoride Through Landlines”.

In an unrelated story, the Rogers Centre has announced plans to replace their entire beer selection with unthrowable “safety cans”, which will sell for $35 each.