HORSEHEAD NEBULA, UNIVERSE – It was discovered today that in the alien solar system Kepler-47, a teenage planet is having it’s life ruined by its parent stars. The planet known as 47-B or “Ashley” to astronomers has been in a gravitational struggle with its parent stars for about 16 million years. The result of which has had an enormous and totally unfair effect on the young planets ability to sustain life.
“Because of ‘Ashleys’ close proximity to its parent stars, the stars are involved in every aspect of the planet, from where it goes in it’s orbital path to how many moons it’s allowed to have,” Stated NASA scientist Dr. Amy Mainzer.
This makes the planet unable to sustain an atmosphere and just “breathe.” Which has led the face of the planet to become dry and full of craters and volcanoes, unlike “Ashley’s” younger sister planet 47-A or “Anastasia” which has enough space from its parents to sustain a beautiful and rich ecosystem, full of life and possibility.
“We’ve also noticed that ‘Ashley’ has been seeking out the gravitational attention of a nearby black hole,” said Dr. Mainzer, but her and her colleagues don’t feel that the young planet will be foolish enough to leave her solar system for the 350 million year old black hole. Especially, once she realizes that it’s seeking the gravitational attention of “just about every other slut planet in the galaxy.”
Life for the teenage planet might get better or worse in the 20-40 million year range, as the parent stars seem to be separating more and more each millenium. Astronomers are predicting one of the parent stars, most likely 34-B, will be seeking out a younger solar system in the Pisces constellation. Dr. Mainzer concluded that, “If ‘Ashley’ stays with 34-A, she will feel less gravitational pressure and will have a little more breathing room to create an atmosphere, but if she goes with 34-B, she’s promised a nice set of planetary rings. Right now it’s hard to tell who she’ll go with, because we’re still trying to figure out the gravity of the situation. Oh dear, I’m so sorry I just made a pun.”