TORONTO – Despite describing himself as a generally caring and empathic person, local man Derek Li is fully willing to crush a human infant to death with his feet if it means catching his t…
Tag: ttc
Your monthly horoscope: August 2014
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) Thinking about starting a family? Remember, having children requires a sense of optimism about humanity that you haven’t possessed since childhood…
Report: sleeping woman on subway has been dead for 3 weeks
TORONTO – Reports from those seated around her have confirmed that the women on the subway who all assumed to have been sleeping, is in fact dead, and has been for some time. “I first start…
Archaeologists discover ancient subway buried beneath Toronto
THE LOST CITY OF TORONTO – Archaeologists from Simon Fraser University have uncovered the remains of an ancient transportation system below the surface of Canada’s largest settlement, in wh…
TTC suggests passengers just ‘buy a fucking car already’
TORONTO – Overwhelming customer complaints regarding long delays and crumbling infrastructure have prompted the TTC to suggest to its unhappy customer base “to grow up” and “buy a fucking c…
York University: University Reviews 2013
Name: York University Nickname: Ol’ U of TTC Motto: “The Detroit of Universities” History: Founded in 1959 by a group of zoning fetishists who wanted a university that was located in Toronto in o…
Report: Everyone on subway has B.O.
TORONTO – Sources inside the 9:55 a.m. university line southbound subway have confirmed that everyone on the car does in fact, smell like shit. “Oh god,” said legal secretary Mary Cook, as …
TIFF UPDATE: Real celebrities show Canadian celebrities how it’s done
TORONTO – At Canada’s biggest entertainment event of the year, attendees are reporting that our country’s celebrities are being outdone by their American counterparts. “I was standing outsi…
TTC driver blames ‘shitty fucking TTC’ for being late to work
TORONTO – Longtime TTC streetcar driver Morris Stollery was late to start his shift on Wednesday, a fact he blamed on Toronto’s poor public transportation system. “The transit s…
Machismo exhibited by not holding pole in subway car
TORONTO – Local commuter Jeff Saunders impressed passengers on a subway car when he abstained from holding the pole as the train came to a halt, sources reported last week. As the subway de…
