Your monthly horoscope: August 2014 - The Beaverton

Your monthly horoscope: August 2014

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Thinking about starting a family? Remember, having children requires a sense of optimism about humanity that you haven’t possessed since childhood.

Aquaraius (January 20 – February 18)

Your desire to give back to the world is quashed when you realize they have a strict no returns policy.

Pices (February 19 – March 20)

You will text the for streetcar arrival times even though you’re not going anywhere, just to get a text.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You will realize that this whole time, you were never hungry, just empty inside.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it was a boomerang, because love is impermanent but the laws of physics are absolute.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21)

You will discover that there is a very fine line between “being bummed out” and “picking up the phone even though you know it’s a collections agency just to hear another human voice say your name”.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

Alone on Friday night, you will walk to your closest Goodwill just to not be alone, and get shit on by a pigeon, for emphasis.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Remember, life is a precious gift that only seven billion of us currently posses. Don’t waste it, buy that flamethrower today!

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You will choose Toy Story 3 as a feel-good movie to get over your recent break-up. You will have made a mistake.

Libra (September 23 – October 23)

They say write to what you know. Your blog “How to be Cool and Popular” is doomed.

Scorpio (October 24 – November 21)

Congratulations on breaking your own record of Most Food Eaten in a 24 Hour Period!

Saggitarius (November 22 – December 21)

It’s time you start to live each day like it’s your last: by realizing it’s too late to change anything and regretting everything you’ve ever done that led up to this moment.