CALGARY – An 85-year-old grandmother and fan of Olympic ice dancing thinks Canadian Olympic figure skaters Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir should “just fuck already.” Janice Bondar made the ann…
Tag: Olympics
Historian confirms ancient Greek Olympic curling took place in the nude
LAVAL, QC – A recent study shows that the original Olympic athletes of ancient Greece, long thought to not practice any winter sports at all, did in fact compete at curling, and did so comp…
Olympic Update: Canada takes silver in cross-country bobsleigh
PYEONGCHANG – Despite stiff competition from Austria, Finland and the Olympic athletes from Russia, Canada has won its fifth silver medal of the games in cross-country bobsleigh. The event …
Sidney Crosby now training for luge
NEW YORK – After Monday’s announcement that the NHL would not be sending players to Pyeongchang for the next Olympic games, Sidney Crosby immediately began training for Canada’s national lu…
Canadian athletes return from Rio to minimum wage jobs
TORONTO – After a strong performance in the Rio Olympics, Team Canada’s athletes have returned home to glory, accolades, and numerous retail positions. “Get out of my way! My shift at Tim H…
Ryan Lochte wins gold in 400m ‘Making Up A Robbery’
RIO – American swimmer Ryan Lochte has won his second gold medal of the Rio Olympics, this time in the Men’s 400m Making Up A Robbery That Never Actually Happened. “This is unreal, kind of …
Derek Drouin wins high jump gold while trying to escape horde of Rio rats
RIO DE JANEIRO – With a jump of 2.38m, 26 year-old Derek Drouin earned a gold medal in the high jump while trying to escape from a large group of rats that had found their way into the Rio …
7 dead after stray cigarette accidentally sets water in Olympic pool on fire
RIO DE JANEIRO – Seven are dead and 33 injured after a lit cigarette accidentally fell into the Olympic pool during a men’s semi-final heat for the 100m butterfly. “When I saw the cigarette…
Canadian child dreams of one day winning an Olympic bronze medal
BURLINGTON, ON – After witnessing Team Canada’s performance at the Rio Olympic Games, budding amateur athlete Karen Herder has been inspired to chase her dream of one day bringing home a br…
Glowing swamp monster emerges as medal favourite in Olympic aquatics
RIO DE JANEIRO – A swamp-being of untold horror that recently emerged from the depths of Rio’s polluted waterways has become an immediate medal favourite in all aquatic events at the Summer…