GRIMSBY, ON ― 34-year-old Garret Larsen, boyfriend of local skip Eliza Dupont, has admitted that her tendency to compare their sex life to curling is starting to wear a little thin.
“It was funny the first time she joked that she’d ‘take the hammer,’ but now I wish she’d stop treating my dick like a takeout thrown too light. It’s especially frustrating when she’s yelling ‘whoa, never, never’ one second and then switches to ‘yeah, really hard’ the next,” explained Larsen.
“I’m just glad we don’t have kids, because she has years of practice projecting her voice a good 150 feet to the opposite end of the sheet.”
Larsen has suffered from performance anxiety ever since his girlfriend started reporting how far he was going with terms such as top twelve, T-line, back eight, and hack after every thrust.
“Let’s just say I hear a lot more ‘high guard’ than ‘board weight.’ And as for angle, she often informs me that my ‘line is off’ and asks me to try the in-turn on the next one, which is extremely confusing in this context.”
Dupont has noticed her partner’s difficulty getting it up, reportedly going so far as to scrutinize his genitals and comment, “you do know this is a game of inches, right?” However, as Larsen is reluctant to discuss the reason for his declining performance, she has instead compensated by switching to ribbed condoms.
“She came home with the Trojans in one hand, and a new broom pad in the other, and told me that she expected ‘better friction with this.’ I’m still not sure which item she was referring to, because I immediately broke out in a nervous sweat and locked myself in my office for the rest of the night.”
When reached for comment, Dupont was even more critical of Larsen’s oral skills. “He can’t seem to find the button, let alone hit it. I mean what do I have to do, draw rings around it?”
Despite this, Larsen is fond of the sport and even used to play lead in the local men’s league himself, but had to quit because he couldn’t stop hearing innuendo in every word.
“Part of it was that the constant boners were really messing up my deliveries. The last straw, though, was when we were sweeping a draw between two guards and [our skip] Braden [Noble] started shouting, ‘hard, gotta go in behind, get it in the hole, hard guys, let’s bury it deep in there.’ The shot ended up perfect, but I couldn’t look him in the eyes for the rest of the day.”
At press time, an attempt to spend more time together was only making things worse, as Dupont suggested swapping partners with their opponents in a mixed-doubles game, hinting that her current teammate “likely won’t have the endurance to finish.”