TORONTO – Public health officials in Toronto have confirmed its first 50,000 cases of being a misinformed fuckwit as xenophobic conspiracy theories and tales of false cures continue to spre…
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Senate enters swimsuit competition portion of Trump impeachment trial
WASHINGTON D.C. – Following the legal submissions of both the Democrats and Republicans as to whether President Trump should be removed from office, the impeachment trial is now set to move on to…
Andrew Scheer’s dry January fails after slamming gallon of 2%
OTTAWA – A nearly successful dry January ended in disaster, and extreme gastrointestinal discomfort, this past weekend when opposition leader Andrew Scheer decimated a gallon of 2% milk in …
Conservatives shorten leadership race by having dairy lobby just tell them next leader
TORONTO – In an effort to avoid another costly leadership race the Conservative party has decided to forego the traditional secret ranked ballot process and just have the dairy lobby tell t…
RCMP close financial crimes unit after losing entire budget in air duct cleaning telemarketer scheme
TORONTO – The nation’s federal law enforcement agency has announced that they will soon be closing the headquarters of its Ontario financial crimes unit after accidentally losing its entire opera…
Bible on which U.S. senators swear impartiality for Trump’s impeachment trial bursts into flames
WASHINGTON, D.C. – The floor of the U.S. Senate had to be briefly evacuated today when the Christian Bible that was being used to swear in the hundred senators who will be jurors in the imp…
How to keep your New Year’s Resolutions by modifying them every day
The new year is upon us, and it’s time to make a plan for keeping all those resolutions! Whether your plan was to eat better, read more, quit a bad habit or pursue a professional goal, a surefire…
Officials ask Pope to stop ending sermons with community announcements from Vatican bulletin
VATICAN CITY – Officials representing the Holy See have reportedly issued a formal request that Pope Francis cease ending his sermons from the balcony of St. Peter’s Basilica with local announcem…
Trump terrified to learn GI Joe action figures he talks to actual generals
WASHINGTON, DC – President Donald Trump has expressed abject horror on discovering that the small GI Joe figures he plays with are actually high-ranking U.S. officials with the authority to imple…
Trump crosses ‘start WWIII’ off his New Year’s Resolutions list
WASHINGTON D.C. – Right after ordering the assassination of Iran’s General Suleimani a satisfied Donald Trump sat back and took a pleasant moment to cross off ‘start WWIII’ from his 2020 Ne…
