WASHINGTON, DC – President Donald Trump has expressed abject horror on discovering that the small GI Joe figures he plays with are actually high-ranking U.S. officials with the authority to implement real-life military assaults.
“I dunno, I just thought they were cool and tough and scary and they wore army uniforms because they were tough guys, and also that they were plastic GI Joes like I had when I was a kid” the 73-year old President told reporters.
The President’s error was reportedly called to his attention after he attempted to pick one of the generals up and dip him in a large bowl of soup he was supposed to eat for lunch.
“I was going to do a thing where the army guy was gonna fly over a lake and be like “pow pow pow” with his guns at the lake, but then I tried to pick him up and he was way too heavy to lift and also he said ‘Mr. President, please stop touching me, I’m General Mark A. Millay, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff,’”
“And all I could think was, oooh, when I made the Joes bomb Iraq that must not have been a cartoon explosion,” Trump admitted.
The President reportedly became terrified when he realized that the figures continued to talk, and even moved around after he left the room.
“It’s so creepy! Are they touching my stuff? Are they moving my chair around? Are they . . . Are they talking about me?”
At press time, the President had reportedly expressed horror that the submarine he “rode in that one time” had in fact actually gone underwater.