TORONTO – In response to photos of Ontario’s youngest MPP, Sam Oosterhoff, posing indoors in a tightly gathered group of roughly 40 unmasked people, premier Doug Ford explained that althoug…
Tag: Doug Ford
Premier Ford grants university status to “The End is Nigh” sign guy
TORONTO – Ontario Premier Doug Ford has granted university status to a local rambling proselytizer known for his public outspokenness. The University of Repent Sinners or Burn in Hell will …
Man slipping razor blades into Halloween candy feeling pretty lost this year
TORONTO – Local sicko Hugh Savarian, who’s been carefully sliding razor blades into candy for trick or treaters for the past 37 years of his life, has reported feelings of aimlessness…
Premier Ford still not convinced flames shooting from neighbour’s house is sufficient evidence to call fire department
TORONTO – Despite heavy smoke and his neighbour screaming “my house is on fire,” Ontario Premier Doug Ford is not ready to call in the fire department. With flames shooting out of the attic…
“I don’t like him, but I gotta say Ford has risen to the occasion” says man to his dead grandmother
TORONTO – While he did not vote for Doug Ford, local man Daniel Waite has confided that he is pretty impressed with his handling of the COVID crisis to the body of his dead grandmother, who…
Ford encourages families to spend Thanksgiving together by getting jobs at same indoor restaurant
QUEEN’S PARK – As the Province introduces new restrictions on social contact in response to COVID-19, Premier Doug Ford has assured families they can absolutely still spend Thanksgiving tog…
Ontario, Quebec temporarily granted US statehood so Canadians don’t look bad due to COVID-19 cases
TORONTO, USA – The provinces of Ontario and Quebec are now temporarily part of the United States to save Canada’s moral superiority on its response to the coronavirus. The quick save face w…
Premier Ford injures hands from repetitive finger-wagging
TORONTO – Ontario Premier Doug Ford was sent to the emergency room after injuring both hands from repetitive finger-wagging during a recent COVID-19 press conference. Ford’s two index finge…
Ford scolds people for irresponsibly following rules he set
QUEEN’S PARK – With a recent uptick in Covid 19 cases in the Toronto, Peel and Ottawa regions, Doug Ford has called on Ontarians to take all possible precautions, to keep indoor gathe…
Ford announces all large weddings must now take place in classrooms
TORONTO – Amid concerns over rising coronavirus cases in Ontario, Doug Ford tightened social gathering limits in hotspot areas in order to stem the spread of the virus. As a result of the new num…
