TORONTO – Bragging that it had been “two whole days” since they had to use shuttle buses, authorities report that for the first time since the late 20th century, Toronto’s mass transit syst…
Tag: Coronavirus
Missing: Anti-Vaxxers
LETHBRIDGE, AB – Amidst the spread of COVID-19, regularly vocal anti-vaxxers are largely missing from the global conversation surrounding the pandemic. “It’s weird,” said local systems anal…
Place you bought Jeans from six months ago wants you to know they’re doing everything they can to combat Covid-19
Markham, ON – In an urgent email sent out this morning, the place you bought jeans from six months ago wants you to know there is absolutely nothing they value more than your health and wel…
Quarantined man celebrates St Patrick’s Day by doing keg stand alone in his living room
KINGSTON – As cities around the world cancel their St. Patrick’s day festivities over coronavirus concerns, one Queen’s University student was determined to stick to his initial plans respo…
Man on week-long social media break wonders why no one is at this awesome buffet
NEWMARKET, ON – Jeremy Philips, a health and wellness expert in Toronto, has celebrated a week-long social media break by visiting Ralph’s All-You-Can-Plate only to find it empty. “I can’t …
Employees at home working hard at pretending to work
OTTAWA – Millions of Canadians working from home due to the COVID-19 pandemic have started their days off pretending to be hard at work. “I could read these documents that my manager sent t…
“If we stop living our lives, the virus wins!” explains local hugger
VANCOUVER – Local hugger and long handshake enthusiast Shawn Tyler is encouraging people to ignore the advice of the medical establishment and hold fast to their ideals, and more importantl…
Dogs cleared by WHO to resume eating single piece of spaghetti until they kiss
GENEVA, SWITZERLAND – After months of uncertainty about their susceptibility to COVID-19, the World Health Organization announced that dogs could resume eating a single piece of spaghetti u…
Breaking: All the news happening all at once
EARTH – According to reports from every single human being’s television, social media and worried mothers, all the news is currently happening right now. “I took a 10 minute shower and when…
