Missing: Anti-Vaxxers - The Beaverton
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Missing: Anti-Vaxxers

LETHBRIDGE, AB – Amidst the spread of , regularly vocal are largely missing from the global conversation surrounding the pandemic.

“It’s weird,” said local systems analyst Sandra Marks, who was friends with an anti-vaxxer on Facebook, “I’m used to her posting long rants about how the ‘flu shot gave her the flu’ and then linking to baseless articles on the healing properties of garlic and crystals. It’s eerie how quiet she’s being.”

According to Crystals4Cure, an online resource for those who think vaccinations are “autism-causing serums”, their normally lively discussion boards went dark around last week, when the World Health Organization declared COVID-19 as a global pandemic. The last correspondence was a post by a user ‘Not_a_Ph4rmaWhor3’ providing an update on day four of her attempt to cure her husband’s mysterious cough with a turmeric enema.

“I scoured online and I couldn’t find any new traces of the ‘keep your child natural’ argument,” added Marks “I just hope they’re okay. If there are any anti-vaxxers out there, please, let us know you’re alive by bragging about how you refuse to torture your child with a two second needle prick and instead would rather elongate their suffering with deadly respiratory ailments, painful rashes, paralysis, brain damage, and death!”

An anti-vaxx reporting centre has been set up, with a helpline for people to phone in any tips. “Vulnerable people, like newborns, the elderly, and people with serious medical conditions rely on herd immunity – the vaccination of others – for protection,” explained helpline director Marilyn Charmbers. “Since anti-vaxxers love to compromise the health of others, we set headquarters in the nation’s only combination Senior Retirement Home/ NICU, in the hopes of drawing them out of hiding.”

At press time, as more cases of COVID-19 are reported, the leader of a “stop mandatory vaccination” coalition was found in isolation, hoarding toilet paper, and asking when treatment will be available.