OTTAWA – A new study by the recently defunded Carleton University research institute has concluded that studies are very useful and should be commissioned much more often. “Our research in...
Missing banana found in hammock
SASKATOON – After a frantic 29-hour search and rescue, a lost banana has been found safe and sound tucked inside a hammock. “You never think it will be you,” said local handyman Juli...
Beloved New Jersey governor revealed as politician
Trenton, NJ – Supporters of New Jersey’s long-admired governor Chris Christie were disappointed after the media revealed that he was – in fact – a politician last week. Christie has ...
Jermain Defoe announces retirement from competitive football, signs for TFC
TORONTO – Jermain Defoe called time on his glittering fifteen-year career as a trophyless competitive footballer on Monday, simultaneously announcing his retirement and signing with Toronto FC o...
‘Fine, don’t get the flu shot. See what I care,’ declare nation’s doctors
OTTAWA – The Canadian Medical Association released a statement earlier today informing Canadians that it no longer cares if you get the flu shot, or what diseases you contract, even though your...
Utah legalizes homophobic marriage
SALT LAKE CITY — Following a landmark ruling from the U.S. Supreme Court earlier this week, Utah will continue to grant thousands of openly homophobic couples the right to wed. “It’s a huge relief,” s...
New 3D printing innovations will finally allow people to have sex with themselves
New Westminster, BC- The world of 3D printing has opened the door to one of the greatest of human sexual fantasies; having sex with a realistic facsimile of one’s self. “This is the greatest advanceme...
Nation wonders if guy who ‘loves winter’ also likes getting fucking choked to death
CANADA – After weeks of relentless cold, the nation wondered today whether local man Jake Bryans still thought Winter was “The best season”, and also whether he thought it would be fun if all 35...
York University Dean supports student’s religious right to Aztec human sacrifice
TORONTO – After permitting a student to be excused from course work on religious grounds so he would not have to publicly interact with female peers, the Dean of York University is also permitti...
