OTTAWA – The Canadian Medical Association released a statement earlier today informing Canadians that it no longer cares if you get the flu shot, or what diseases you contract, even though your health is the reason, the only reason, that they slave all day in a cold laboratory.
“Well sure the flu isn’t deadly for the majority of the population,” the statement read. “I’m sure you’ll be fine because your immune system is so special right?”
The organization, which represents the views of every doctor in the country, also noted that maybe they were being too harsh on the nation and admitted that they have to take some blame for assuming that you’d be selfless enough to help prevent society’s vulnerable from an early death.
“Maybe you’re so busy that you can’t take five minutes out of your lunch break to protect yourself, children, and old people,” the statement continued. “Or maybe it’s the elderly’s fault for being so susceptible to death from the flu. How should we know? We’re only in constant contact with the world’s foremost gerontologists.”
Health Canada reports that only 32% of Ontarians and 27% of Quebecers opted to get the flu shot in 2011, numbers that the CMA believes are, “fine, just fine, as long as you don’t expect our help when you get sick. It doesn’t matter to us. Oh wait! I forgot! it’s just a solemn oath that we all swore to heal the sick that dates back to over two-thousand years ago. That’s right. Go ahead, your “free” health care will take care of you when you have to walk in to an ER with pneumonia and then contract a secondary infection.”
“We’ve made this literally as easy as it could possibly be and you people still won’t protect yourselves,” the CMA concluded. “Have it your way! We’re done pouring our blood, sweat and mercury into these shots for you! We’ll stop bothering you. You won’t hear from us ever again. Although, you should know, it breaks your mother’s heart when you don’t take care of yourself! Now that’s actually the last you’ll hear about it, we promise.”
At press time, Canada’s physicians had clarified their previous comments, stating that they were not angry, just disappointed.