Machismo exhibited by not using lip balm
TORONTO – Local student Jeff Saunders impressed friends when he refused to use his girlfriend’s lip balm on his severely chapped lips, sources reported Thursday. Saunders and his girlfriend…
Incorrigible Obama cheats on ‘No Drone Strikes’ New Year’s resolution
WASHINGTON – In spite of its inclusion in his New Year’s vow to cut back on personal indulgences, President Obama has been unable to kick the habit of repeatedly bombing Pakistan with robot…
Taylor Swift pens Harry Styles breakup song titled ‘I’m Way Way Way Way Waaaaaay Too Young for You’
NASHVILLE – Taylor Swift, 23, may have broken up with 18-year-old Harry Styles only a couple of weeks ago, but she is already hard at work writing one of her classic breakup ballads about t…
Heavy-breathing evangelical student protests what he thinks happened at U of T orgy
TORONTO – While several hundred lined up for the so-called ‘student sex party’ hosted by a U of T campus group last night, one heavily-breathing, self-proclaimed evangelical student spent t…
Halo 4 giving gamer Call of Duty flashbacks
MANNING, AB – After sitting down to enjoy his recently purchased copy of Halo 4, local gamer Lucas Bordfeld began experiencing flashbacks to his days of game-play on the more realistic firs…
CBC accidentally rehires spiffily dressed homeless man instead of Don Cherry
TORONTO – In a recent CBC gaffe, Hockey Night in Canada has mistakenly rehired a colourfully dressed homeless person instead of legendary hockey commentator Don Cherry. The homeless man, who iden…
Smokey Bear killed in home fireworks accident
PARK COUNTY, WY – On Friday night well-known forest preservation and fire safety advocate Smokey Bear was killed in a home fireworks accident. At about 9:30 pm, Smokey was with his family s…
David Suzuki goes on weeklong pollution bender
CAPE ST MARY, NL – Canadian environmentalist David Suzuki, known for his activism on global climate change, was discovered earlier this week passed out near a private jet in Cape St. Mary&#…
Javier Bardem to play villain in Javier Bardem biopic
HOLLYWOOD – Best known for playing disquieting villains in films like Skyfall and No Country For Old Men, Spanish heartthrob Javier Bardem returns to the dark side this summer as the villai…
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