Mulcair discovers that he is too bearded to approach children in park
KANATA — After a very awkward 5 minutes in a Kanata playground, Thomas Mulcair came to the realization that his beard disturbs families and scares children. “Well,” a forlorn Mu…
Dave Keon begins crafting hit single in hopes of finally getting banner in ACC
TORONTO – With Bon Jovi successfully getting a banner at the Air Canada Centre, former Toronto Maple Leaf legend Dave Keon has decided to emulate the band’s approach to finally get his numb…
Stop blaming society, it’s your own damn fault you choose to read my articles
BY MARGARET WENTE Nobody takes responsibility for their actions anymore: if you earn 30% less than men, it’s the patriarchy’s fault; if you get arrested in Egypt, it’s the Egyptian government’s f…
New wind farm built solely for clean coal commercials
SASKATOON – Energy consortium NorthAm Power has constructed a 47-turbine wind farm outside of Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, solely for the purpose of being able to feature them in commercials pr…
Harper confident scandal will soon be resolved now that Duffy’s health benefits cut
OTTAWA – Prime Minister Stephen Harper stated that the ongoing Senate scandal will soon disappear now that Senator Mike Duffy’s health benefits have been removed. “Call it a hunch” Harper s…
Local man bored to death by euthanasia debate
VANCOUVER – Mark Wilson is so tired of British Columbia’s assisted suicide debate that he’s now asking for the option to end his life to prevent hearing about the subject ever again. “When …
I will be the white guy that finally fixes Canada – First Nations relations
BY BOB RAE CHAIRMAN FOR FN (PTP) GROUP LIMITED PARTNERSHIP After over a century of failed policy, destructive assimilation attempts, and culture demolition I have finally found a way to solve all…
Lab-grown meat refuses to stop screaming
MAASTRICHT, NETHERLANDS – A series of synthetic beef hamburgers grown in vitro at the University of Maastricht have begun screaming, and have resisted all attempts by researchers to get the…
Canada, EU reach free trade deal after Dave eats nation’s supply of Brie cheese
BRUSSELS – Canada and the European Union have signed a historic free trade agreement, which resupply Canadian fridges after Dave ate all of country’s Brie cheese. “Canadians will be relieve…
After 40 years Steve Miller admits no one ever called him the Gangster of Love
Friday Harbour, Washington – At a press conference in front of his home legendary singer and blues guitarist Steve Miller admitted that, despite the claim in his famous song ‘The Joker’ no …
