VATICAN CITY – The whirlwind of economic hardship battering the eurozone has now reached the Holy See, where officials report that the unemployment rate has skyrocketed to an all-time high of five people.
“Times are difficult, no doubt,” said His Eminence George Pell, Prefect of the Secretariat for the Economy of Vatican City. “Especially for Vittorio, Giulietta, Monica, Silvio and Agata.”
“We may have to use some of the billions of dollars the Catholic Church sits on as a fiscal boost, but hopefully it won’t come to that.”
The Vatican economy, based chiefly on the sale of souvenirs and museum admissions, has been in steady decline since Angels and Demons was published in 2000. Since then, the divide between the classes has been widening dramatically, and it is now estimated that the richest one person owns 99% percent of the state’s wealth.
Some economists claim this is why the unemployment rate has increased at the unprecedented rate of one-third of a person per year.
Those forced to stay home claim that they have been ‘sending out résumés like crazy,’ but that ‘none of the three places [in Vatican City],” namely St. Peter’s Basilica, the Sistine Chapel and Domino’s Pizza, “are currently hiring.’
“I’ve been out of work for over three months now, and I know there are at least four other people like me,” said Silvio Abruzzo, a former security guard at the Vatican Garden. “I really wish Pope Francis would focus on things here at home before trying to solve poverty and climate change and whatnot in the rest of the world.”
By press time, Monica had found work, Vittorio had left for America, and Giulietta, Silvio and Agata had turned to pickpocketing, barely affecting Vatican City’s crime rate.
