TORONTO – In an effort to make Ontario hydro bills more affordable, Premier Kathleen Wynne announced a 25% cut in electricity rates this year, bringing the average monthly bill down from the usu...
Kellie Leitch jumps in polls after eating live dove during leadership debate
OTTAWA – Kellie Leitch has emerged as a favourite in the Conservative leadership race after a strong showing at the Manning debate wherein she devoured an entire live dove to the raucous applaus...
Winnipeg’s ERs now requiring patients to bring their own beds
WINNIPEG – Those seeking treatment at Winnipeg’s ERs will now be required to bring their own hospital beds as a part of a new strategy to reduce wait times. Officials from the Winnipeg Regional ...
PARENTING FAIL: Prince George is NOT getting enough blood to grow up a conqueror
Just because they seem like the perfect couple, doesn’t mean Prince William and Kate Middleton are perfect parents. Case in point? 3-year-old Prince George drinks barely a gallon of blood every week, ...
Entire New York Times Editorial Board cross Canadian border, claim refugee status
HEMMINGFORD, QC – RCMP patrolling the Quebec-New York border have intercepted all 16 members of the New York Times Editorial Board who immediately claimed refugee status. The weary journalists c...
O’Leary slams Edmonton debate as “terribly bilingual”
BOSTON – Conservative leadership hopeful Kevin O’Leary announced this week that he would not participate in the party’s upcoming candidates’ debate in Edmonton, denouncing the event as “terribly bilin...
Kellie Leitch proves commitment to shitty Canadian production values
OTTAWA – Conservative leadership hopeful Kellie Leitch has released a campaign video demonstrating that she has her finger on the pulse of traditional Canadian culture and it’s terrible ac...
Kyle Lowry wakes from surgery to find Drake asleep in hospital room chair
TORONTO – Recovering from surgery to clean out loose bodies from his right wrist, Raptors point guard Kyle Lowry woke up to find hip hop superstar Drake asleep in the hospital room chair, where ...
Pope remains champion at annual Shrove Tuesday pancake eating contest
VATICAN CITY – Consuming a record 87 pancakes in under 20 minutes, Pope Francis has retained his championship title for the fourth year in a row at the annual Shrove Tuesday pancake eating conte...
Local man accidentally misses Oscars after not giving a shit
HALIFAX – This morning, local man, Robert Murray was shocked to discover he had mistakenly neglected to watch Hollywood’s biggest event last night because, fuck it. “Oh, I guess I did”, remarked Murra...
