BRANDON, MB — Local girlfriend Teresa Waldner failed to remind boyfriend Todd Derksen to be careful yesterday, resulting in his bumbling straight into the mouth of an erupting volcano. “Oh, god,” Wal...
Checked luggage takes year off to travel
WARSAW, POLAND – A piece of checked luggage on a recent domestic Canadian flight has decided to take the year off to travel. “Ever since I came out of the closet last week, I’ve felt this urge to real...
Study shows humans swallow average of 47,980 spiders a year each due to sample’s inclusion of Stanley, the Amazing Spider-Eating Maniac
CALGARY – The unprecedented finding in a recent scientific publication about the ingestion of arachnids by humans was discovered to be fundamentally flawed due to the inclusion of a well-known lunatic...
Task proves easy, falls short of “peasy”
STITTSVILLE, ON — Local graphic designer Anna-Maria Monteiro cancelled her subscription to a stock image website today, a minor task she found easy, but not peasy. “It’s been hard to find the time to...
Poe scholars uncover early “The Pita Pit and the Pendulum” draft
KINGSTON – Queen’s University scholars have announced the discovery of a preliminary draft of Edgar Allen Poe’s famous “The Pit and the Pendulum” set in Canada’s famous quick-service pita chain....
Man intent on reading 50 books this year really ploughing through the Goosebumps
CALGARY – According to friends and family, 37-year-old Jason Rowe is absolutely churning through Goosebumps books in a desperate attempt to hit his 2023 reading goal. “I told him 50 books was too ambi...
Monkey social media platform allows monkey users to throw faeces at other monkeys users anywhere in the world
PALO ALTO, CA — GoBananaz, the world’s premier simian social media site has debuted a long awaited feature allowing users to heave faeces at each other. “This is a game-changer,” said Tiny, a Madagas...
Major misfire: People Magazine names JFK the sexiest man dead
Hollywood, CA — In a move that is equal parts morally, factually, and grammatically incorrect, People Magazine has named former president John F. Kennedy the “Sexiest Man Dead” of 2023. “After 38 yea...
Lame Planetarium doesn’t contain any planets
JASPER, AB – A new review of The Jasper Planetarium has exposed a major flaw in the facility, that it does not house any actual planets and is in fact a glorified observatory. “I came here hopin...
Couple thrilled new remote includes shortcut buttons for streaming services Quibi, BingBong, and DankDoo
Samsung, Living Room – Deborah and Curtis expressed their excitement over the fact that the new TV remote comes with buttons that take them directly to their favourite streaming services. “I lov...
