TORONTO – Amid growing uncertainties regarding the future of transit expansion in the GTA, Toronto Mayor David Miller held an impromptu press conference this morning to discuss a drastically scaled-ba...
Finance Minister auditing undergrad economics lectures
OTTAWA – Canada’s Minister of Finance Jim Flaherty has returned to university to audit undergraduate economics lectures and “expand his mind” on matters of fiscal policy, sourc...
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The Beaverton is a news satire and parody publication . All articles contained within this website, however similar to real events, are fictitious. When public figures are mentioned by name, the corre...
Pedestrian not sure if defecated on by bird
TORONTO – A man walking west on Bloor Street near Spadina Ave. believes a pigeon may have defecated on his cheek and right shoulder earlier this morning, but he is unsure. “Could have been water...
Area man finally builds up nerve to buy rope from sex shop
TORONTO – A student at Ryerson University spent nearly one hour at a sex shop on Queen St. West building up the nerve to add a bundle of rope to his shopping cart. Mitch Gagnon, 21, spent most o...
I am a Frosh Party Animal
By Martin ‘Figs’ Figlinsky My friends, I have to tell you, this year’s frosh celebration was really awesome! The University of Toronto has really topped itself. This was by far one of thei...
Computer error preempted by smashing keyboard into monitor
WATERLOO, ON – A frustrating computer problem was avoided yesterday when Radioshack employee Mike Pasut, 27—in anticipation of a computer crash—quickly grabbed the keyboard off his desk and smashed it...
UNIVERSITY student seeking mannequin to come alive and be my girlfriend.
UNIVERSITY student seeking mannequin to come alive and be my girlfriend. Serious calls only. Inflatable love dolls OK. Call Herm, 416-555-3764...
U.S. Air Force stealth bomber too stealthy
(UNDISCLOSED LOCATION) – Radar cannot detect it, and neither can the human eye. The U.S. Air Force’s top-secret stealth bomber, the C-THRU 117, a state-of-the-art aircraft so incredibly stealthy...
Cinnabon employee called ‘chief’
BURLINGTON, ON – A cashier at a local Cinnabon was addressed as ‘chief’ yesterday. Bill Pitkin, owner of an Oshawa-based landscaping company, had just finished a big meal at East Sid...
