NEW YORK – The fall equinox is on September 22 but according to a new study, most yuppies believe the autumn begins when they first consume a pumpkin-spiced latte. “People notice the change in p...
New Montreal Metro stations to be named after prominent, secular saints
MONTREAL – After announcing the extension of the Montreal Metro’s Blue Line, the PQ provincial government and Société de transport de Montréal announced that new stations will be named after non...
Latest self pat-down confirms presence of wallet, cancer
THORNHILL WOODS, ON – Shortly before leaving the subway train, local businessman Jerry Levin’s paranoid pocket exploration established the existence of his wallet, cellphone, house keys and a malignan...
Russell Brand image on toast just Jesus again
PRINCE GEORGE – Thousands of faithful were disappointed to find out that the first sighting of Russell Brand on a piece of toast was Jesus, as usual. Jenna Anderson, 42, was preparing the toast ...
NHL14 video game has Toronto Maple Leaf ‘collapse’ cheat code
TORONTO – The famous Toronto Maple Leaf collapse during last year’s playoffs has now been immortalized with a cheat code in EA Sport’s NHL 14. “I was frustrated,” said Frank Gannon, 39, si...
Keystone boasts pipeline will create 5700 unpaid internships for Canadian students
CALGARY – Canadian energy giant TransCanada has announced that the Keystone XL pipeline will be built by interns in order to offer Canadian students the experiences they need to enter the exciting and...
PROROGATION UPDATE: John Baird finds some rocks and trees to scream at
OTTAWA – (DAY FOUR) With the House of Commons empty until October 16th, Minister of Foreign Affairs John Baird has been forced to retreat into the wilderness in order to find things to yell at f...
Report: Everyone on subway has B.O.
TORONTO – Sources inside the 9:55 a.m. university line southbound subway have confirmed that everyone on the car does in fact, smell like shit. “Oh god,” said legal secretary Mary Cook, as she s...
Women and their sweatpants enthralled by Tide’s new Period Stain Guarantee detergent
TORONTO – Tide made waves in the detergent world yesterday when it announced its latest product, which promises to remove period stains from sweatpants, bed sheets, mattresses, and full-butt, nude-col...
Toronto Police Association: It’s a sad day when an officer can get charged just for beating the fuck out of somebody for no goddamn reason
TORONTO – representatives of the Toronto Police Association say that they are “shocked” and “saddened” that Constable Babak Andalib-Goortani has been found guilty in the brutal assault of G20 pr...
