THORNHILL WOODS, ON – Shortly before leaving the subway train, local businessman Jerry Levin’s paranoid pocket exploration established the existence of his wallet, cellphone, house keys and a malignancy on his right testicle.
“I was relieved to find that my wallet was in its place,” said Levin. “Though the day was a bit soured by the cancerous lump I discovered when taking it out.”
Levin, who jokes that his tendency to forget things is genetic, much like his predisposition to testicular cancer, has long since streamlined the pat-down process.
“I usually just feel through the fabric of my pants and recognize the texture,” said Levin. “I mean, I don’t need to take out my phone to know it’s a phone, or to take out my scrotum to realize it houses a 3-cm tumour.”
At press time, Levin missed his CT scan because he left his health card at home.
