LONDON – With the news of a second baby on the way, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have confirmed they both “really like boning.” “We are very pleased to announce that our co…
World
DNA tests ‘prove’ that Jack the Ripper was a super weird dude
LONDON – Following years of DNA testing on one of the only surviving pieces of physical evidence, British scientists have conclusively determined that notorious serial murderer Jack the Rip…
IMF unveils elite new currency only rich people can use
WASHINGTON — International Monetary Fund Managing director Christine Lagarde yesterday unveiled a new luxury currency that will be used to provide those in the one percent a stable, convenient al…
World’s nations ask if it’s too late to boycott Sochi Olympics
WASHINGTON – In response to increased Russian support of Ukrainian rebels, a coalition of world powers have announced that they will inquire whether it is too late to boycott the Sochi Winter Oly…
Artistic elephant paints vivid description of how he was forced to paint by zoo officials
BANGKOK – A three year old Asian elephant named Mai-Mai has created several abstract paintings portraying his abuse by zoo keepers who forced the gentle giant to paint to entertain tourists…
Desperate for the world’s attention, Central African Republic refugee hopes for Israeli attack
SIDO, CHAD – While awaiting his daily food ration at this UN-administered camp in Southern Chad, a CAR refugee stated that an Israeli attack of any kind could really bring world attention to the …
UPDATE: Same old shit happening in Gaza again
TEL AVIV – Both Palestinian and Israeli sources have confirmed today that the “usual crap” is currently taking place in Gaza, and that they have “fucking had it.” “I’m tired of all this shit,” sa…
Local man successfully avoids saying anything controversial about Israel-Palestine situation
GUELPH, ON – Against all odds local man Jack Whitehall has managed to engage in a carefully nuanced discussion of the current strife between Israel and Palestine without saying anything tha…
NSA using stored data to write coming-of-age novels
WASHINGTON – The latest shocking release from the Snowden leaks has revealed that the National Security Agency has been stealing the biographical details of American citizens for use in the…
Angela Merkel calls on Brazil to stop importing German goals
BELO HORIZONTE – In the wake of Germany’s 7-1 World Cup semifinal trouncing of Brazil, Angela Merkel called on Brazil to cut back on its importation of German goals. “This sort of imbalance…
