IRAQ – Personally and individually responsible for the painful deaths of more than a hundred human beings, Sgt. Jeff Grenner is over a third of the way to being a national hero.
“I never got into this for the fame and fortune,” said Grenner. “I’m just a simple man with a passion for hurting things who followed his bliss.”
“It was this or investment banking, and I’m not that good with numbers.”
Already winner of the purple heart, the shootsgood star and the lack of affect medal, Grenner has also recently been awarded the trophy for prolonged eye-contact and heavy breathing.
For all his humility, Grenner has already used enough high-velocity pieces of lead to rupture the internal organs of enough mostly random people to be considered a hero in his home state.
“I want to grow up to be just like Sgt. Grenner,” said 10-year old James Brook, skinning a live cat in the barn near his house. “I just hope that the business and political elites of the time manufacture an excuse for me to unleash my inner horrors onto innocent people as well.”
“Oh, who am I kidding, we’ll still be in Iraq.”
For all his martial prowess, Grenner is also respected for his philanthropic work. When not on tour of duty, he runs a charity where he finds homes for isolated, undocumented immigrants who are never heard from again because of how happy they are in their new lives.
At press time, Grenner’s commanding officer was only half a dozen covered-up war crimes away from being elected President.
