MOSCOW – According to sources, NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden is getting sick and tired of having to spend much of his day “chilling” with Russian President, Vladimir Putin.
Snowden, who is living under temporary asylum in Moscow after leaking thousands of classified documents detailing the US global surveillance program, has reportedly had to endure hundreds of hours of video games, pot smoking and couch-sitting with the Russian President, fearing that if he complains, his asylum will be revoked.
“Putin is alright, I guess. But he’s always showing up unannounced. Sometimes I’ll be in the middle of writing a treatise on how America has lost it’s way and he’ll just knock on the door with a bottle of Jager and demand we start doing shots,” said Snowden in a Skype interview.
According to journalist Glenn Greenwald, who helped Snowden go public with his documents, Putin is using Snowden’s vulnerable position to force someone to be friends with him.
“Putin is a man who has trouble with trusting people and he knows he can trust Ed [Snowden]. So now he’s unable to do anything but politely say “oh man, that sucks” when Putin decides to spend several hours complaining about how his girlfriend just doesn’t understand him.”
Sources report that once Snowden landed in Russia, he was given a mobile phone, which Putin uses to communicate with him periodically. Some of Putin’s messages to Snowden include, “Im coming over with the fucking best pizza in Russia RIGHT NOW! U got Mass Effect 3, right?”, “Hey man. Sitting in UN meeting. U think Obama is secret gaywad? I think so. LOL” and “Gotta get yo ass to tha gym bitch!” with an attached shirtless selfie of the Russian President in the mirror.
At press time, Snowden was reportedly strongly considering just turning himself in to US authorities in the hopes that Obama will take mercy and/or wanna hang.
