The NHL trade deadline is fast approaching. And Beaverton sports has got you covered with the top available players, broken down by what they will cost 31 of the league’s teams, and then ho…
Sports
Auston Matthews vows to work on his “pass to a guy who passes to a guy who scores” skills so he can finally deserve MVP
LAS VEGAS – Fresh off scoring 51 goals in 54 games Leafs centre Auston Matthews has announced that he has heard the criticism and will immediately devote his time and effort to developing h…
Dog wearing Raptors jersey doesn’t even know what any players smell like
TORONTO – Hardcore Raptors fans have had it and are calling out Glenn, a young English bulldog, for his phoney basketball fandom. “Glenn is such a poser,” said superfan Colin Ford. “He owns three…
Republicans claim Taylor Swift part of vast liberal conspiracy to make Americans watch football
KANSAS CITY, KS – Across the United States conservative commentators have uncovered a plot by pop megastar Taylor Swift, along with her current boyfriend, Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce, to …
Fake hockey fan able to enjoy his team signing good players without conducting armchair salary cap analysis
TORONTO – After his team signed one of their best players to a long term contract extension, casual fan Matt Christenson celebrated without even performing his own detailed analysis of how …
“Counting games in hand we’re only the 2nd worst team in the East,” says Sens fan who picked them to make Conference Finals
OTTAWA – Having earned only 22 points the Ottawa Senators are last in the eastern conference standings. But given their games in hand they’re actually only second worst, as Sens fans …
Inspiring: This man isn’t locked into a long, expensive contract with Rogers
TORONTO – While people all across the country find themselves stuck in costly, multi-year contracts with Rogers Communications, Shohei Ohtani, a professional baseball player from Ōshū, Iwate, Jap…
Leafs fake injury to star rookie goaltender to save 750k on the Cap
TORONTO – The Toronto Maple Leafs plan to circumvent the NHL’s Salary Cap continued again last night, with the team staging an obviously fake injury to Joseph Woll in order to save on…
Tortorella convenes press conference to talk about how much he hates press conferences
PHILADELPHIA – Following the Philadelphia Flyers’ morning skate, coach John Tortorella held a press conference to detail his hatred for press conferences. “I asked you all to come her…
Email from grandpa just a list of 29 baseball players
Huntsville, ON – A local grandson is struggling to respond to an email from his grandfather, which consists of nothing but the names of 29 current and former Major League Baseball players. José …
