Florida – A group of returning astronauts have been trying to find the perfect moment to bring up ‘the bad thing’ they saw in space. “Before reaching Entry Interface we al…
Science and Technology
Dyson unveils first ever vacuumless bag
MALMESBURY, UK – In a remarkable feat of engineering, English technology company Dyson, Ltd. has produced a bag that works entirely without the need for a vacuum cleaner. “I was at home one…
STUDY: Shitty boyfriend will for sure change this time
DARTMOUTH, N.S. – Putting to rest any doubt in the minds of ex-girlfriends everywhere, a new study has found that – despite noticing an established pattern of selfish, inexcusable beh…
Anne of Green Gables VR too intense for average Canadian
VANCOUVER – In its quarterly earnings call with investors this week, EA Games announced that its new Anne of Green Gables VR experience will be indefinitely delayed because it has proven fa…
Renowned geneticist dismisses own earlier warnings about uprising of evil clones
BRUSSELS — Pre-eminent geneticist Dr. Javier Arantes stunned colleagues at the opening of the International Academy of Life Sciences (IALS) conference with a keynote speech celebrating the potent…
New iPhone comes pre-loaded with details of your family’s dark secrets
SILICON VALLEY – In a paradigm-changing announcement, Apple has confirmed that the new version of the iPhone will come already knowing everything there is to know about the unpleasant thing…
Update: Tweet that starts WWIII will now be up to 280 characters long
SAN FRANCISCO – Twitter today announced it will be beta testing a new 280 character limit on tweets in an effort to ensure that the tweet that causes a Third World War will be more a more s…
STUDY: Scientists spend 60% of time figuring out whether they could, 20% thinking if they should
Waterloo, ON – A new study by University of Waterloo psychologists has identified how much time scientists devote to figuring out whether or not they could do something, versus if they should do …
Cassini spacecraft responds to self-destruct order with cryptic laugh
PASADENA – Experts at the NASA Jet Propulsion Laboratory are stumped, and more than a little disturbed, by the cryptic laugh they received from the Cassini spacecraft in response to the sel…
Apple’s latest iPhone disturbingly optimized for tiny, raccoon-sized hands
SAN FRANCISCO – With the traditional fanfare that accompanies all new Apple products, Apple has officially released the iPhone 8. The phone features faster processing speeds, an improved ca…
