OTTAWA – Having failed to realize the first day of class was coming up so quickly, Canada’s teachers spent last night desperately trying to finish their lesson plans and assignment schedule…
National
‘Too bad it’s against the law to ball-gag Brian Jean,’ lament Albertans
EDMONTON – Many Albertans expressed disappointment that it would be a criminal offence to ball-gag Wildrose Leader Brian Jean for the rest of his life to avoid making violent, misogynist jo…
Trudeau sends every Canadian wallet photo of Catherine McKenna
OTTAWA – In a lauded continuation of transparent policy, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has mailed every Canadian citizen living both at home and abroad a wallet-sized print of Environment Ministe…
Harper resigns from politics to spend more time with his egg sac
CALGARY – After several long discussions with his top aides, Stephen Harper has decided to resign from political life so he can focus on taking care of the egg sac filled with his unborn br…
Female Muslim Mounties can now wear hijab while being sexually harassed by co-workers
OTTAWA – The RCMP announced a crucial step forward in the organization’s quest for diversity, as Muslim women in uniform will now be allowed to wear their traditional headscarves as they re…
Ontario Tories apologize for youth seminar featuring waterboarding, Patrick Brown
MCMASTER UNIVERSITY — The Ontario Progressive Conservatives have released an apology to young party activists Tuesday, after organizers of a youth rally used violence, intimidation and the …
Ministry of Finance’s unpaid interns struggling to stimulate economy
OTTAWA – Unpaid interns at the Ministry of Finance say they are “at their wits’ end” on how to kickstart Canada’s stagnant economy. “We’ve tried everything,” said 26-year-old intern Derek M…
UPDATE: Nation currently demanding 56th encore from Tragically Hip
KINGSTON, ON – Unable to accept that The Tragically Hip will never again play another song, the entire nation of Canada is requesting that the Canadian rock legends come back out on stage t…
Government mandates foyer in every building after pressure from lobbyists
OTTAWA – Yielding to demands of lobby groups, the Trudeau government has passed legislation that requires all constructed dwellings in Canada to have a clearly defined waiting area. “It’s 2016,” …
Shirtless Stephen Harper photobombs Calgary couple’s wedding, 5 dead
CALGARY – Tragedy struck a Calgary wedding yesterday evening when five people were killed and a dozen injured after former prime minister Stephen Harper decided to make a candid, topless ap…
