CALGARY – Tragedy struck a Calgary wedding yesterday evening when five people were killed and a dozen injured after former prime minister Stephen Harper decided to make a candid, topless appearance during the bride and groom’s photo session.
“We were all laughing and smiling. It was perfect,” said distraught bride turned widow Stephanie Lester. “Then all of a sudden I felt this paunchy shadow behind us. I turned around and there he was, smiling with his shirt off.”
“Everything just went kind of black after that,” she added.
Others present at what is being referred to as ‘The Incident’ say that the half-naked former Prime Minister wandered up behind the couple and put his arms around them as they posed, perhaps expecting them to react with delighted glee when they realized who he was. Instead nearly everyone present went into ‘flight mode’ causing a human stampede as the guests tried to flee. Many were crushed.
“Everything was chaos. We were all running and screaming. I think I heard a baby crying in the distance,” said groomsman Henry York. “And in the midst of it all I could still see the last leader of our country waddling around, suggesting he play some ‘Van Cats’ songs at the reception.”
“He cornered me at one point, lunging at me while muttering that this is how politics was done now and that we are all ‘in the demo’, but luckily I managed to fend him off with the cake knife” said mother of the bride Patricia.
Authorities eventually arrived and escorted the Right Honourable Mr. Harper off the premises and into a car waiting to take him to a local Red Lobster.
At press time, a shirtless Thomas Mulcair was standing in his bathroom, screaming at his torso that it was a disgrace.