WELLAND – Canada’s most addictive street drug is increasing in price by ten cents worrying many public health experts and addicts. “I get a hit at least twice a day,” said Joe Kuharchuk, a …
National
Harper signs trade agreement with Fourth Circle of Hell
HELL – Prime Minister Stephen Harper has signed a landmark trade agreement between Canada and Hell’s layer reserved for greedy, hoarding souls. The agreement was signed by Harper and Hell’s…
Harper lights ceremonial tire fire at annual Chinese pollution festival
BEIJING – After being praised for his commitment to environmental catastrophe, Stephen Harper kicked the annual Festival of the Polluted Moon off by throwing a bag of flaming garbage into a…
Government to punish fake soldier by treating him like a real veteran
OTTAWA – After posing as a fake Canadian Forces soldier, DND and Veterans Affairs have decided the impostor’s punishment should be to endure the poor treatment they inflict on a real Canadi…
MPs reassure female staffers with playful open-handed pat on the behind
OTTAWA – Following sexual harassment allegations against two Liberal MPs and subsequent questions over the House of Commons’ lack of protocol to deal with them, male MPs made sure to reassu…
CRTC bans 30-day internet cancellation notice after 4 hour argument with Rogers tech support
OTTAWA – Following an aggravating conversation with representatives from the leading internet, TV, and cellphone provider, the CTRC has decided to ban the required 30-day notice period for …
Bank of Canada Governor asks unemployed youth if they’ve considered serfdom
OTTAWA – With youth unemployment skyrocketing across Canada, Bank of Canada Governor Stephen Poloz is recommending that young people consider the ancient feudal status of serfdom to boost their c…
Manitoba Premier now accepting applications for Finance Minister on Craigslist
WINNIPEG – After the resignation of five cabinet ministers in protest, Manitoba Premier Greg Selinger is attracting the very best replacements with job advertisements on Craigslist. The onl…
Study: Most Canadians can’t name all 9 provinces
A study released today showed 93% of Canadians could not name all 9 Canadian provinces and 2 territories. The study, by Ipos-Reid, struck some observers as worrying. “When only 27% of peopl…
Income splitting to help struggling wealthy family buy another BMW
RICHMOND HILL – The Harper government’s plan to permit married couples with children to split their earnings for a higher tax savings will help a disadvantaged family struggling to buy anot…
