SWITZERLAND – A new study published in Nature has confirmed what scientists have long suspected — in this Pilates class, you are the only uggo. Scientists conducted the seconds-long experiment t…
Health
Medical Experts admit there is no cure for hiccups
GENEVA, SWITZERLAND – After years of denial, the global community of medical professionals has finally admitted that they have no scientifically based method to alleviate a case of the hicc…
Hospitals to fight critical staffing shortage by declaring that all PhDs are “that kind of doctor” now
OTTAWA – In an effort to combat the national doctor shortage crippling many provincial healthcare systems, hospitals across Canada have declared that all PhD holders, regardless of field, a…
Doug Ford announces 50% of all Ontario surgeries will now be done by his buddy Steve
TORONTO – In an effort to reduce wait times for surgeries in the province of Ontario, Premier Doug Ford has announced that as many as half of all surgeries will now be handled by his good b…
Report: Middle urinal thirsty
MEN’S WASHROOM – According to a recent report from the men’s washroom, the middle urinal is very, very thirsty. While it is a perfectly functional toilet — much like its left and right counterpa…
Guy giving urine sample can’t stop peeing
FREDERICTON – Onlookers are stunned as local software engineer Tyler Fontaine has spent the last 6 days continuously urinating into a medical sample cup. For the past 140 hours, staff and o…
Four tips for mental wellness that don’t do shit because it’s dark at fucking 4pm
It’s important to do everything possible to stay ahead of the winter blahs, especially as the long nights drag on and January’s icy grasp makes you want to leave this frigid mortal coil. Luckily,…
Health Canada clarifies alcohol won’t give you cancer if you eat a bunch of bread beforehand
OTTAWA — Following recommendations by the Canadian Centre on Substance Use and Addiction (CCSA) to put warning labels on alcohol, Health Canada has issued an advisory informing Canadians they can…
Stabbed man who got hit by 3 cars then thrown off a bridge probably died from the vaccine
Windsor, ON – Local man Ryan Garner was pronounced dead this morning after being stabbed and hit by 3 cars in a row, the last of which knocked him off a 40 foot high bridge, making him just…
Man with exposed brain tissue still not convinced he needs to see doctor
TORONTO — Local mechanic Jason Pringle is refusing to seek medical attention after sustaining a severe head wound that has left a portion of his brain exposed. “It’s nothing, really. I’d just be …
