Asshole overusing perfume has temerity to be offended at you holding your nose - The Beaverton

Asshole overusing perfume has temerity to be offended at you holding your nose

GATINEAU, QC ― For reasons unknown to civil society, the jackass who just got off a crowded elevator cloaked in a cloud of vile, sickly-sweet toxic gas with a five-meter radius thinks that you’re the one who’s being kind of rude, just because you are being forced to literally hold your nose.

Rather than being worn as a dab on the wrist or behind the ear, such that you only smell it when you’re hugging the wearer, fragrance is nowadays used as bathwater by unloveable jerks seeking a plausible justification for nobody ever wanting to be near them. Unfortunately, one such numbskull just entered the same café as you, accompanied by so much acrid odour that there is absolutely nowhere in the enclosed space free of it.

“Touching your face that way is so unhygienic,” complained the filthy person whose go-to solution to body odour is to mask it with a far worse reek instead of just taking a goddamned shower. “That’s a sure-fire way to transmit germs, which I’m sure you have because you’re sneezing and sniffling, and your eyes are turning red and running.”

The idiot also did not appreciate your accompanying glare, despite it being only partly out of anger and in fact a coping mechanism for the pounding headache that came on the moment they walked into your vicinity.

Preliminary forecasts suggest this vile pest has no plans to leave the public space you and several others were peacefully coexisting in first, which means that it is you who must pack up your belongings and stalk out past several unenforced “This is a scent-free zone” signs to find somewhere with decent air quality to work.

“Yeah, we gave up telling those types off years ago,” explained a barista at the café. “They just get all offended and ask ‘do you know what scent this is?’ Then you get a twenty-minute lecture on the subtle distinctions between their fancy cologne and those old-man torso-shaped bottles. We couldn’t make them see that to everyone else, stench is stench.”

Reports indicate that, as you left, the walking stink bomb asked someone eating a peanut-butter sandwich fifteen feet away to leave because they were allergic. Incidentally, several witnesses can attest that nobody at any point was actively shoving peanuts down this noxious motherfucker’s throat.