WATERLOO, ON – After a six month “dry spell” Blackberry president Thorstein Heins announced today that the company had finally closed a sale. “It was looking pretty grim there for awhile. N…
Business
Keystone boasts pipeline will create 5700 unpaid internships for Canadian students
CALGARY – Canadian energy giant TransCanada has announced that the Keystone XL pipeline will be built by interns in order to offer Canadian students the experiences they need to enter the excitin…
Women and their sweatpants enthralled by Tide’s new Period Stain Guarantee detergent
TORONTO – Tide made waves in the detergent world yesterday when it announced its latest product, which promises to remove period stains from sweatpants, bed sheets, mattresses, and full-butt, nud…
Real-life thrift shop nothing like Macklemore video
HAMILTON – A nearby Salvation Army store has failed to live up to the expectations set by the “Thrift Shop” music video for local man Jake Covey. “The video made it seem like th…
Big 3 Canadian telecoms to Verizon: ‘Only Canadian companies can gouge Canadians’
TORONTO – With the threat of a US corporate giant entering the Canadian telecommunications market, Telus, Rogers and Bell stated that only Canadian enterprises have the right to fleece Canadians.…
Office Intern goes mad with lack of power
Toronto – Sources inside the financial firm Dewsom & Thrift are reporting that 24-year old unpaid office intern Eric McDonagh has gone mad with his own lack of power. “At first it was j…
Kevin O’Leary completes hostile takeover of children’s lemonade stand
TORONTO – Sources inside O’Leary Funds say that their CEO has successfully gained controlling ownership of Timothy and Caroline Gowan’s lemonade stand in Toronto’s west end. “Now that we control …
Blackberry execs consider taking out the battery and putting it back in
WATERLOO – With market share rapidly diminishing and the latest Blackberry 10 phones not performing as expected, Blackberry President and CEO Thorsten Heins announced that the company was c…
Jenny Craig introduces new ‘All Self-Loathing Diet’
WOODBRIDGE, ON – In an innovative move, Jenny Craig executives announced a new branch of their program this week: a diet based entirely off of self-loathing. “It’s really quite simple,” exp…
Loblaw purchases Shoppers Drug Mart, forgets to use Optimum card
TORONTO – Loblaw Cos. proudly announced today the $12.4 billion acquisition of Shoppers Drug Mart Corp. in a move that has merged two of Canada’s biggest retailers but failed to provide any…
