HAMILTON, ON – Metallic refinery ConCan Steel has made it through an entire year with a flawless safety record after implementing a revolutionary “walk-it-off” policy, where employees complaining of an injury sustained on the job were told “stop complaining” and “walk it off like a man” before being commanded to get back to work.
“We are ecstatic that we have broken all safety records, one year after implementation of this new policy. I believe all companies could benefit. We saved tens of thousands of dollars in workers compensation and productivity has never been higher,” said CEO Chuck Steeger.
“Out of 79 injuries and 3 deaths, absolutely none of them were bad enough to be reported. Officially, we have the best safety record out of any company in North America, including Google. For this I can only credit the diligence of our staff and workers and their overall vigilance toward the real danger at our plant: complaining.”
Officially entitled “Walk It Off, Stop Complaining and Get Back To Work or Face the Consequences” the policy was developed personally by Mr. Steeger, with aim of “de-pussifying” the employees, who had become soft and “probably a little gay” after years of benefits and entitlements secured through collective bargaining. Last year was the first year after he dismantled the union and unleashed this revolutionary new safety policy.
“When I got my hand caught in the steel press, I lost my cool and started crying,” said Steve Del Rio, who has been with the company 7 years.
“But my foreman corrected me and said that if I didn’t stop crying he’d give me something to cry about. Now I’m an expert at doing everything with only one hand. Mr. Steeger always said I’d learn new skills by working here and he was right.”
Part of ConCan’s great safety record might be attributed to the company’s togetherness. Every September the company has dedicated workers take the “charity challenge” of making it through the week’s shift without sleeping, with all proceeds going to something called the Executive Dividends Fund. The winners will be allowed to see their family for 24 hours.
“At last year’s charity challenge one of the forklifts tipped over and pinned my buddy Jerry under some girders. Mr. Steeger showed great leadership by immediately visiting Jerry’s widow to personally inform her of the loss, and that it was Jerry’s fault for standing there like a faggot in the first place, so it was her legal her responsibility to take his place in the factory after she cleaned up the mess her damn fool of husband had left us. She didn’t want to do it at first, but he convinced her alright. Boy did he ever,” said Albert Grower, who said he’s now only 100 years away from retirement.
Family is clearly important to the company, as Steeger reminded his employees, “ConCan is a family business. Which is why next month will be bring-your-kids-to-work month.”
