TORONTO – RBC has announced a new slogan designed to compete with Scotiabank’s popular ‘you’re richer than you think’ in which the bank assures people that they can be wealthier than they t…
Business
Rogers Wireless reports $10 million profit from people calling CRTC to complain about Rogers Cable
TORONTO – Rogers Wireless, Canada’s largest cellular communications company, achieved an unexpected $10,000,000.00 profit as a result of the amount of time Canadians are spending on their p…
Oil pipelines need stronger oversight, says watchdog someone forgot to pay off
OTTAWA – The National Energy Board is not doing enough to make sure pipeline companies are complying with regulations, says a new report by the federal commissioner of the environment and s…
Citing missed deadlines and delays, ISIS cancels Bombardier order
MOSUL, IRAQ – ISIS has announced plans to cancel its order of 20 Bombardier Innovia APM Light Rail cars amid repeated setbacks and disappointments. “To be quite honest, we are very upset” said Mo…
Mountain Dew sales decline as public becomes less extreme
TOP OF A SICK SNOWBOARDING MOUNTAIN – Mountain Dew head office has acknowledged a sharp decline in sales of it’s fizzy garbage water, coinciding with a rapid decrease in radness amongst the…
Man at Tim Hortons still confident he will roll up exact amount of debt
TORONTO – Local man Greg Finks is still confident that today will be the day he rolls up the rim and sees the $24,673 he owes his bank, despite years of failed attempts and the fact that Ti…
Woman in job interview refers to pregnancy as ‘big lunch’
OAKVILLE—Sources confirm that throughout a job interview earlier today local woman Carol Miller continually referred to her six-month pregnancy as a hearty lunch unlikely to require her to take a…
Johnson & Johnson sued for $72m after baby powder revealed to contain actual powdered babies
JEFFERSON CITY, MISSOURI – A jury in the state of Missouri has ordered cosmetic company Johnson & Johnson to pay $72 million in damages after its trademark Baby Powder was found to contain “l…
Local dad’s four shares plummeting
BRAMPTON – Cries of distress have been heard from the basement of local man Geoffrey Costa this afternoon, after he returned home from work to discover that he had lost nearly $100 in the markets…
Goldman Sachs predicts CDN dollar will continue to fall after they artificially lower it
NEW YORK CITY – Goldman Sachs’ computer models have predicted that the value of the Canadian Dollar will fall 12 cents compared to the US dollar in the coming weeks after they use an astoun…
