INTERNATIONAL – Following an early morning noogie and a brutal shoe-lacing before lunch, the USD is spending its recess telling the CAD to stop hitting itself. “Stop hitting yourself,…
Business
Local bar’s taps just pouring flies
INNISFIL, ON – Although they’re connected to a full keg and should theoretically be pouring beer, nothing but dead and live flies have come out of the draft taps at O’Halloran’s for the las…
Local paramedic tops UberX driver rankings
TORONTO – After topping user approval rankings last week, paramedic and ambulance driver John Smallberries has been named Canada’s number one UberX driver. Users of Smallberries’ service cite his…
Yukon sues Bombardier over faulty dog-sled mass transit system
WHITEHORSE – Following a series of failures, months of delays and technical problems, the city of Whitehorse is suing Bombardier over its new dogsled-based public transit system. Transportation M…
Nike boosts sales with new shoes targeted at young, wealthy centipedes
NEW YORK – Nike announced today that 2015 was its most successful year ever, crediting their massive increase in sales to a specialty line of sneakers that targeted the under-served “young,…
Recalled flip-flops flip, fail to flop
Fairfax, NFLD – Feather Feet, formerly Fairfax Footwear, has recalled their first famed flip-flop franchise, the Freezy Flow, for flipping, but failing to flop. Faulty manufacturing on the …
Worker bees unionize
MEDICINE HAT, AB – For the first time in apiary history, worker bees are organizing to stand up for their basic rights. “People think bees don’t need to sleep,” said Worker Bee #458909. “We…
CBC sends Justin Trudeau holiday gift basket complete with artisanal CBC donation box
OTTAWA – In the spirit of the season, Prime Minister Trudeau has received a gift basket from the CBC filled with shortbread cookies, dried fruits, and a beautifully hand-carved donation box…
LCBO website hacked by Anonymous Alcoholics
TORONTO – The website of the Liquor Control Board of Ontario, North America’s largest distributor of liquor and wine, was hacked last night by the notorious online group Anonymous Alcoholic…
