TOP OF A SICK SNOWBOARDING MOUNTAIN – Mountain Dew head office has acknowledged a sharp decline in sales of it’s fizzy garbage water, coinciding with a rapid decrease in radness amongst the…
Business
Man at Tim Hortons still confident he will roll up exact amount of debt
TORONTO – Local man Greg Finks is still confident that today will be the day he rolls up the rim and sees the $24,673 he owes his bank, despite years of failed attempts and the fact that Ti…
Woman in job interview refers to pregnancy as ‘big lunch’
OAKVILLE—Sources confirm that throughout a job interview earlier today local woman Carol Miller continually referred to her six-month pregnancy as a hearty lunch unlikely to require her to take a…
Johnson & Johnson sued for $72m after baby powder revealed to contain actual powdered babies
JEFFERSON CITY, MISSOURI – A jury in the state of Missouri has ordered cosmetic company Johnson & Johnson to pay $72 million in damages after its trademark Baby Powder was found to contain “l…
Local dad’s four shares plummeting
BRAMPTON – Cries of distress have been heard from the basement of local man Geoffrey Costa this afternoon, after he returned home from work to discover that he had lost nearly $100 in the markets…
Goldman Sachs predicts CDN dollar will continue to fall after they artificially lower it
NEW YORK CITY – Goldman Sachs’ computer models have predicted that the value of the Canadian Dollar will fall 12 cents compared to the US dollar in the coming weeks after they use an astoun…
Report: Notley stepping down would to lead to 300% increase in Conservative government jobs
ALBERTA – Conservative critics of the Alberta NDP took Premier Rachel Notley to task this afternoon, claiming that her actions have put dozens of Conservative Members of Provincial Parliame…
‘Tryst,’ ‘Moonlight Dalliance’ and ‘You-Know-What’ top media’s preferred terms for rape
TORONTO – According to statistics compiled by media watchdog PressWatch.org, the most widely used terms in 2015 by media outlets describing rape charges and allegations were “Tryst”, “Moonlight D…
Child successfully sues friend for one million doll hairs
Charlottetown, PEI – After a lengthy court battle, eight-year-old Sandy Hamilton has been ordered to deliver to his once best friend, Jamie Vandermeer, exactly one million doll hairs, based…
Uber passengers impressed with speed, efficiency of uninsured collisions
TORONTO – With the Uber ridesharing service now transporting thousands of riders in Toronto daily, many customers are reporting being impressed by Uber’s approach to collision insurance, na…
