Shocking report reveals Tim Hortons' Boston Cream filling not made with Canadian pus - The Beaverton

Shocking report reveals Tim Hortons’ Boston Cream filling not made with Canadian pus

OTTAWA – The nation is in an uproar today, after federal food inspectors conclusively proved that the whitish-yellow inflamed abscesses used in Tim Horton’s Boston Cream donuts are not Canadian.

“We all assumed that a food seller that drapes itself in Canadian nationalism would at least be patriotic enough to use Canadian pus in their disgusting donuts,” said Gus Anderson, one of the inspectors, during a press conference. “Alas, apparently there is nothing these companies won’t stoop to.”

Pus, a milky liquid made from the body’s white blood cells, has always made up 99% of the Boston Cream filling, the other 1% being sugar. The donut had been a staple of the Tim Horton’s menu for years and it was only recently that inspectors called the source of the pus into question.

“This report is making a mountain out of a molehill,” said Paul Redding, a Tim Horton’s supply chain manager. “We all want the Boston Cream to keep its creamy, pus-like taste. It’s not our fault that Americans have more infections due to their poor healthcare system.”

“And, if we’re talking about authenticity, shouldn’t Boston Cream be milked from New England pimples?”

Despite optimism from the corporation, the reaction from Tim Horton’s regulars has been universally negative.

“Wait, you’re telling me the pus-filled donuts I’ve been eating are made using American wounds?” said local man Steve Henderson. “I think I’m going to be sick.”

Paul Redding says that these harsh responses ignore the other patriotic Canadian choices on the Tim Horton’s menu.

“Our customers should not feel betrayed by this news,” said Redding. “After all, we still use Canadian bile in our coffee, Canadian scabs as bacon in the breakfast wraps, and each Fruit Explosion muffin contains a full nosebleed’s worth of Canadian blood.”