OTTAWA – A fire at the Communications Security Establishment Canada (CSEC) new headquarters has destroyed the internet pornography database used by the intelligence agency charged with moni…
Study: 68% of people conducting surveys over the phone are not wearing pants
MONTREAL, QC – A recent study of call centres has revealed that more than two-thirds of their employees are conducting surveys in a state of pantlessness. The study found that the survey-takers’ …
CN: Train drivers just too ahead of the curve for old fashioned tracks
CALGARY – CN has declared that the recent spate of train derailments stem from the overtraining and high talent level of the drivers. “Part of the problem is our train conductors are …
NHL bans concussions
TORONTO – In response to the number of severe head injuries professional hockey players have suffered in recent years, the National Hockey League has banned all players from getting concuss…
Middle-aged white guys economic champions for the 1153rd consecutive year
WASHINGTON – The IMF has released its annual economic winners and losers list and the reigning champions, the middle-aged white male demographic, have topped the list for the 1153rd year in…
NSA Scandal: Angela Merkel disappointed wiretaps didn’t teach Americans how to run an economy
BERLIN – When Angela Merkel learned that the NSA was listening to her phone calls, she wasn’t upset by American spying and lying, she was incensed by President Obama’s failure to glean any …
Canadians celebrate remembering the only poem they’ve ever read
OTTAWA – Canadians are celebrating Remembrance Day by remembering that time they read a poem once. “Reading In Flanders Fields is a profoundly patriotic experience for Canadians,” said Dr. Julia …
Trudeau will host slumber party for next fundraising event
OTTAWA – After disappointing some attendees at last night’s fundraiser gala, Justin Trudeau has assured that a slumber party is the next big event for his loyal female fan-base. “I kn…
NHL considers re-naming Ottawa Senators to something less dysfunctional and sad
OTTAWA – NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman and Ottawa Senators owner Eugene Melnyk have announced their desire to find a less depressing and tedious namesake for the Ottawa based hockey team. “We exp…
Blackberry announces new CEO by a lake of singing swans
WATERLOO – In front of a pristine lake populated by mute swans, Blackberry’s most senior downtrodden executives introduced John Chen as the company’s new CEO. “We thought the backdrop of the lake…
