SIDO, CHAD – While awaiting his daily food ration at this UN-administered camp in Southern Chad, a CAR refugee stated that an Israeli attack of any kind could really bring world attention to the …
Citing need to appeal to younger demographic, Edmonton rebrands itself “edmntn”
EDMONTON – City officials announced this week that Edmonton would be undergoing a radical “re-branding” aimed at attracting younger residents and improving its klout score. R…
Payday lenders refuse to loan Ontario government money
Following the new budget tabled by the Liberal government, leading payday lenders confirmed today they would not extend loans to the Province of Ontario. “Even at the 49.99% interest we charge, w…
Stephen Harper discovers he’s related to Palestinians
OTTAWA – After conducting a DNA ethnic profile, Prime Minister Stephen Harper has learned that he has Palestinian roots. The Prime Minister had decided to take the test after spending hours…
Anti-spam legislation prompts new program to retrain penis enlargement spammers for door-to-door service
OTTAWA – Canada’s new anti-spam legislation has put thousands of penis enlargement spammers out of work, prompting a new workers’ rights group to start a campaign to retrain the…
Angela Merkel calls on Brazil to stop importing German goals
BELO HORIZONTE – In the wake of Germany’s 7-1 World Cup semifinal trouncing of Brazil, Angela Merkel called on Brazil to cut back on its importation of German goals. “This sort of imbalance…
Rob Ford’s sobriety coach enters rehab to work on anger issues
TORONTO – Hours after he lashed out and kicked a shirtless protester, Rob Ford’s sobriety coach Bob Marier checked himself into rehab to address his anger management issues and bad press. M…
Paul Bernardo’s fiancée: He’s not that creepy by online dating standards
LONDON, ON – Convicted serial killer Paul Bernardo’s fiancée confirmed today that he was the least creepy man she had met online. “Since he can only access the prison computer for an hour a…
Globe and Mail fence actually just to keep Margaret Wente out
TORONTO – After a chain-link fence was spotted under construction outside their headquarters, The Globe and Mail issued a statement clarifying that the fence was merely the latest tactic th…
Poll: What’s in our wallets?
After surveying 10,000 individuals, we’ve compiled a list of the most commonly found items in Canadians’ wallets: 45% Novelty “Female Body Inspector” badge 28% Forged library card for hot new lib…
