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TTC suggests passengers just ‘buy a fucking car already’
TORONTO – Overwhelming customer complaints regarding long delays and crumbling infrastructure have prompted the TTC to suggest to its unhappy customer base “to grow up” and “buy a fucking c…
New contract with Toronto Maple Leafs causes Dion Phaneuf’s face to almost show emotion
TORONTO – When Dion Phaneuf put pen to paper and signed his new contract extension with the Toronto Maple Leafs his face almost assumed the position of a smile, sources reported today. Dave…
Toronto named number one city for young people, internationally
A global urban index has ranked Toronto as number 1 out of 25 of the world’s major cities based on qualities most attractive for people between the ages of 15 and 29. What’s your say? “It’s not s…
Woman sues adultery website for injuries sustained while making fake profiles
A Brazilian woman living in Toronto is seeking $20 million in damages from the Canadian adultery website Ashley Madison after alleging she was required to make 1,000 fake profiles of attractive w…
University of Toronto: The Beaverton University Reviews
Name: University of Toronto Nickname: Ol’ Monolithic Motto: “Hocne nos facit dignando?” (“Does this make us look prestigious?”) History: The UofT was founded in 1827 by study-drug enthusiast Bish…
Petition calls for modernization of National Anthem
A group of petitioners, including Margaret Atwood, have been calling for the Canadian National Anthem to be modernized, such as by making the lyrics gender neutral. What’s your say? “Sure, becaus…
Local man suffers devastating loss of erection after girlfriend explains Zodiac compatibility
Cornwall, ON – The burgeoning relationship between Monica Carlstrom and Brent Sherway has been progressing steadily until 8 pm last night when tragedy struck. The couple was about to become intim…
La Ronde acquiert un effrayant manège: le pont Jacques-Cartier
MONTRÉAL – Si les montagnes russes tels que le Vertigo, le Maniac ou le Goliath ne vous donnent plus de sueurs froides, La Ronde a un nouveau manège pour vous: le pont Jacques-Cartier. «Ça …
Gilles Duceppe found living under Quebec’s last uncollapsed bridge
MONTREAL – Structural engineers inspecting an overpass last Thursday were shocked to discover that it was still standing and mildly surprised to find former Bloc Québécois leader Gilles Duceppe c…
