Name: University of Toronto
Nickname: Ol’ Monolithic
Motto: “Hocne nos facit dignando?” (“Does this make us look prestigious?”)
History: The UofT was founded in 1827 by study-drug enthusiast Bishop Strachan as a place where miserable young people could take unhealthy amounts of adderall in the pursuit of a degree that wouldn’t even help them that much. By upholding this tradition through the last two centuries, UofT has established itself as one of the twitchiest and most irritable universities in the world. UofT is composed of somewhere between 6 and 13 colleges that do some stuff and please don’t ask too many questions about what they are and why they’re there.
– Enormous class sizes prepare students for the obscurity and inattention of the real world.
– Commute to class is often as low as two hours.
– College system only confusing for first four years of undergrad.
– Has the most accessible varsity football team. They’ll let anyone play!
– No bar on campus, so your children will focus on their studying and absolutely never do any underage drinking WHAT SO EVER.
– Con Hall, of course!
– Each year, every college has to sacrifice seven youths to the engineers.
– Exhausting to have to repress desire to scream all the time.
– At one point, you will realize that these are supposed to be the best years of your life. Jesus.
Did you know?
…UofT gets more government research dollars than any University in Canada. Under the Harper government, this means that it receives over $17.65.
...That UofT has the world’s most democratically elected Student Union, and that it also has the world’s most DEMOCRATICALLY ELECTED STUDENT UNION???
…That all your friends have 4.0s and you need to apply yourself harder? Here, take some of these.
William Lyon McKenzie King, voted Kraziest Kanadian by Dog Ghost Monthly
David Cronenberg, acclaimed director of The Notebook, Love Actually and Ooze Tumour 2058.
Margaret Atwood, misanthrope