TORONTO – Following an incident in which police visited a man who jokingly threatened to tear down the Ted Rogers statue, Toronto police have warned citizens that they take online threats o…
Saskatchewan voyeur jerks off to wheat again
ALAMEDA, SK – Local voyeur Thomas Ristic has once again been forced to masturbate to completion while staring at the 50 acres of wheat that neighbour his property. “This was never my first …
New $25 skinny cable package to revolutionize way viewers switch to Netflix
TORONTO – Canadian broadcasters unveiled their ‘skinny’, Canadian-centric cable packages today, a move that the CRTC says will forever alter the way Canadians cancel their subscriptions. “T…
Frantic DiCaprio asks coat check if anyone turned in a gold statue last night
HOLLYWOOD – After waking up well into the afternoon, Academy Award-winner Leonardo DiCaprio has spent the last hour on the phone with the coat check clerk from the Vanity Fair afterparty af…
Renaissance caveman can both hunt and gather
AFRICA, 1 MILLION YEARS AGO – The Tun clan, a tribe of early humans located in Africa’s Cradle of Humankind, were floored recently by the emerging abilities of a young cave-polymath named T…
Federal Court gives medical marijuana patients right to grow pot even though Evan has the good shit
VANCOUVER – The Federal Court of Canada handed down a landmark decision today that grants patients prescribed marijuana the right to grow their own plants despite Evan already having pretty…
Study finds 70% of nation just spares
BURNABY, B.C. – A nationwide study at Simon Fraser University has revealed that 70% of all Canadians are just spares in case some of the other 30% stop working or aren’t available. “Let’s s…
Study: Exposure to billboard ads linked to unrealistic expectation that all women are 70ft tall
SASKATOON – A new study out of the University of Saskatchewan shows that men exposed to billboard advertisements slowly begin to assume that all women are blonde, thin, and gigantic. “In re…
Grad student buys fancy bottle of ketchup for Valentine’s Day dinner
HALIFAX – Dalhousie graduate student Michael Conroy surprised his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day with a luxurious macaroni and cheese dinner, which he paired with an expensive glass bottle o…
Blue-collar NBA players scoff at elitism of All-Star Game
TORONTO – NBA players across North America have taken issue with what they perceive as unqualified elitism at the league’s annual All-Star Game, arguing that the event only widens the gap b…
