HOLLYWOOD – After waking up well into the afternoon, Academy Award-winner Leonardo DiCaprio has spent the last hour on the phone with the coat check clerk from the Vanity Fair afterparty after checking his pants, coat, and car for his Oscar.
“It’s a medium-sized gold statue. Yeah, it’s got a little man on it,” said a haggard DiCaprio, speaking to coat check on his cell phone as he continued to search his house. “No it’s not necessarily an Oscar. You think I’d just immediately lose the most prestigious award of my career? What am I, an idiot?”
“But on the off chance you do find an Oscar, can you let me know?”
DiCaprio, whose intense performance in The Revenant won him his first Academy Award for Best Actor after many nominations, then popped several Advil and downed an entire bottle of Gatorade. After finding nothing in the Lost and Found except Birkin bags, Mark Ruffalo’s suit, and several entourages, the coat check clerk then asked Dicaprio to retrace his steps.
“Last thing I remember? Uh… I think [Supporting Actor winner Mark] Rylance and I were making our awards kiss,” said DiCaprio, struggling to recall his night. “And then [Best Director winner Alejandro] Iñárritu handed me a cocktail called ‘The Bison Liver’ that he’d just invented. Things get pretty fuzzy after that.”
The A-list actor, who gained prominence for his roles in What’s Eating Gilbert Grape? and The Basketball Diaries, then got up to make sure his bacon wasn’t burning.
“You found one?! Oh, it’s for best sound mixing,” said DiCaprio. “Uh… You know what? I’ll take that one too. Yeah, sure, of course I’ll give it back to the Fury Road guy. See you in a few hours.”
Further reports indicate that DiCaprio’s Oscar was in the fridge, exactly where he left it.
