STRATFORD, ON ― Local financial planner George Fitzgerald had his first meeting yesterday with a new client, nineteen-year-old Ahmed Hassan, during which he repeatedly assumed the unorthodox premise that there would still be retirement homes, grocery stores, and other such institutions as might make money relevant when Hassan reached 65.
“He kept yammering on about compound interest. That would be great if we were having this discussion in the nineties. But ten years isn’t long enough to grow serious cash, and I can’t assume I have much longer than that before I have to liquefy my assets to stock up on canned beans for my nuclear bunker. You know, because of the impending World War III that will be decided by atomic bombs this time?”
“Actually, ten years seems pretty optimistic. Maybe I should just invest in canned goods and bottled water now, before the price skyrockets. Buy low, sell high, right?”
Fitzgerald ignored Hassan’s protests that he isn’t interested in buying a house that he will only be physically dragged out of to be sent to a concentration camp. “I know you’re always hearing that the housing market is bad, but you’re in a good position. With some help from your parents, a nice place to raise your kids is probably within reach,” he commented, oblivious to what a horrible thing it was to suggest bringing new life into this world, let alone the world that will exist by the time Hassan is ready for fatherhood.
“As long as you start saving early,” he continued, not considering that it had already been too late for Hassan the moment he was born. “Now, what are your other goals in life?”
“He seemed a bit confused when I answered not dying of a simple infection that can no longer be treated because of antibiotic resistance, or of polio because of all these anti-vaxxers, or whatever this mirror-life shit they’re talking about now is.”
From there, the talk turned to paying for Hassan’s degree in political science, for which he is reading Hannah Arendt’s The Origins of Totalitarianism, a 1951 book that is still very, very relevant. Fitzgerald observed that AI must make choosing a good degree difficult, and Hassan observed that the current terrifying capacity of AI to spread misinformation, and also its potential to develop into a superintelligence that would enslave us in the future, makes hope difficult.
Lastly, they went over Hassan’s finances from last year. “He assured me I got more back from the carbon tax than I paid. I said also the world is literally on fire, which is an even better reason to keep the tax. Not that there’s any fixing the climate at this point.”
For his part, Fitzgerald, when reached for comment, thought the meeting had gone quite well. “It’s so nice to talk with younger clients. Gives me hope, you know? I always say, whatever’s wrong with the world, bright young men like Ahmed will fix it. Too bad I’m only a few years from retirement myself and won’t live to see what becomes of him.”
