HAMILTON – A nearby Salvation Army store has failed to live up to the expectations set by the “Thrift Shop” music video for local man Jake Covey. “The video made it seem like th…
Local father reaches enlightenment while screaming at new computer
HAMILTON, ON – After refusing to read the manual for his new Dell laptop, local senior James Hoffmann achieved a state of nirvana while screaming profanities at the electronic device. “At f…
Alberta fisherman lands 300 pound ball of tar
LAKE ATHABASCA, AB – After hours of fruitless waiting, Alberta fisherman Darren Rose’s patience was rewarded by the “once-in-a-lifetime” catch of a compacted mass of bitumen sand and fish s…
I write horror stories because the real horror is society
By Derek Darklord Greetings, fellow-travellers down the night-highway of the macabre. I, of course, am Derek Darklord, and You, of course, will recognize my name from the covers of your favourite…
Nation’s Uncles demand to know who farted
CANADA – Detecting a “funky smell coming from under the table”, the nation’s uncles unanimously resolved to determine which of their thirty three million nieces and nephews “let that one ri…
Bartender with nosebleed just gutting it out until shift over
KAMLOOPS, BC – Although his nosebleed is barely contained by a rolled up piece of napkin, sources report that local bartender Eric Rawley is just going to dig real deep and ‘gut it out’ unt…
Woman wears flip flops just so she can catch people staring at her weird toe
HAMILTON – Although many people wear sandals in the summer, local woman Nancy Garland chooses to do so not out of comfort, but so that she can make others feel bad about staring at her defo…
Local friend busier than everyone else
TORONTO – Despite wanting to attend the engagement party of best friend Sophie Lahiri, local woman Tiffany Dale is busier than anyone else she knows and is completely unable to make the tim…
England celebrates Murray victory by pretending he isn’t Scottish
ENGLAND – After almost eighty years without a victory at Wimbledon, England has spent the last two days celebrating Andy Murray’s win by refusing to refer to him as anything other than “Bri…
New study finds sunscreen makes you look stupid
VICTORIA – According to a groundbreaking new study from the University of Victoria, applying sunscreen drastically increases your chances of looking stupid. Researchers analyzed data from o…
