Local father reaches enlightenment while screaming at new computer - The Beaverton

Local father reaches enlightenment while screaming at new computer

HAMILTON, ON – After refusing to read the manual for his new Dell laptop, local senior James Hoffmann achieved a state of nirvana while screaming profanities at the electronic device.

“At first I thought that my dad was angrier than I’d ever seen him,” said James’ son, Corey. “Then I realized he’d gone so far past angry that he’d come around the other side, and entered into a condition of perfect and omnibenevolent oneness with the universe.”

Sources inside the family say that Hoffman continues to curse, but now does so in such a way as to mirror the flawless symmetry and reflexivity of the cosmos.

“Corey is absolutely ******* right, that clown ****** piece of stinking horse **** **** from which blossoms the ******* **** licker mother ****** lotus flower.” said Hoffman, floating and glowing slightly. “I now appreciate that that which is ************ transient and that which eats **** eternally are one and the ******* same, you ****** ******s.”

Several monks from the international Buddhist community have begun gathering at the household to meet with the enlightened being. Sources say they are being made to wait three days and install Windows 8 on a desktop before being granted an audience.

“There are many ways to achieve enlightenment.” said Tibetan monk Longchepa. “Some meditate beneath a tree, some listen to the sound of a cricket’s chirp. Now James has done it with his filthy ******* piece of **** .”

Members of the Hoffman family say that there is yet more wisdom to be found within their household.

“Man.” Corey said. “If these monks think pop cussing at his computer is something, then they are going to **** themselves when he has to go carpet shopping with Mom in a month.”