NEW YORK – After maiming an entire flashmob two years ago, Vietnam veteran Lester Farley was acquitted of 36 cases of assault earlier this afternoon. “Personally, I’m satisfied with the ver…
Here are some other things that I think are fantastic
BY: KEVIN O’LEARY Listen, I’ve heard a lot of people talking about how terrible it is that 85 people own more money than the poorest three and a half billion. Well let me tell you something…
Nation wonders if guy who ‘loves winter’ also likes getting fucking choked to death
CANADA – After weeks of relentless cold, the nation wondered today whether local man Jake Bryans still thought Winter was “The best season”, and also whether he thought it would be fun if a…
Study: If young people want jobs, they should just be middle-aged
VICTORIA, BC – A recent study by the Baby Boom Institute has confirmed that the only obstacle facing young people who seek employment is their own refusal to be middle-aged people. “Our res…
Thousand monkeys fill thousand typewriters with poop
MONTREAL – Sealed in the “Monkey Chamber” beneath Redpath library, the thousand monkeys tasked with creating the next great work of English literature have succeeded only in filling their t…
York University: University Reviews 2013
Name: York University Nickname: Ol’ U of TTC Motto: “The Detroit of Universities” History: Founded in 1959 by a group of zoning fetishists who wanted a university that was located in Toronto in o…
Everyone you hate is excited about the Entourage movie
CANADA – A brief look over your social media platforms has confirmed that everyone you find personally repellent is looking forward to the movie spinoff of the TV show Entourage. “Bro, Siii…
Abandoned circus definitely not haunted, says clown skull
DEER CREVICE, ON – The old, abandoned circus on the edge of town is entirely free of malignant spirits, according to the glowing skull in the rainbow wig that floats beside the rusted-out t…
Lab-grown meat refuses to stop screaming
MAASTRICHT, NETHERLANDS – A series of synthetic beef hamburgers grown in vitro at the University of Maastricht have begun screaming, and have resisted all attempts by researchers to get the…
