SILICON VALLEY – The CEOs of OpenAI, Anthropic, and GrokAI have released a statement agreeing that claiming artificial intelligence “could potentially kill all humans” sounds much more awesome than just admitting that they blew a fortune on glorified chatbots.
“We, the undersigned oligarchs in charge of these impossibly vast empires, do solemnly attest that AI is probably too powerful and incredible, which we absolutely cannot and will not prove,” reads the letter, distributed to several newspapers currently owner by the tech giants.
“That is why we are recommending that everyone stop asking us when AI is going to finally deliver on all the productivity we promised, or even how it works,” the letter goes on to say. “That goes double for our venture capital investors who keep asking for their money back.”
Sam Altman, Dario Amodei, Elon Musk, Mark Zuckerberg, and other maniacal billionaires co-signed the letter, with the express intent of “building ourselves a cushion to soften our exposure to the AI stock bubble crash that we have entirely engineered for ourselves.”
Following a whistleblower report from an Anthropic researcher who claims there is a 10% chance AI “could wipe out the human race”, the assembled tech CEOs agreed that this is a much better story than the true one which is that their industry has blown trillions of investor dollars on technology that works maybe 30% of the time.
“Now that we’ve gotten everyone vaguely scared, we think this is the time to propose solutions, namely massive third party oversight which we will pay for and control, gatekeeping of smaller competitors, toothless government legislation which we’ve already paid President Trump to let us write ourselves, and overall a whole lot less scrutiny over the massive house of over-leveraged cards we’ve built.”
To offset their letter’s fear-mongering, the CEOs admitted that the scare tactics intended to but them time to protect their share values were not entirely without merit. “Rest assured, AI in its present form may not be the all-powerful angry God that we’re pretending, but it still can do a lot of plenty of damage, like a loaded gun left on a countertop.”
In a final bright spot, the CEO-penned letter points out that AI, while utterly useless in a business case, is producing revenge porn at 300x their engineer expectations.
