With Spring fully in motion, we felt it prudent to keep Canadians informed of the ever present threat poised by Branta canadensis, better known as Canada geese, the leading cause of car wash visits and airliner crashes, as they return from their migration. While we are sure that all of you have had disastrous and deadly encounters with the dreaded waterfowl, we know some may have lulled themselves into a false sense of security.
With that in mind, here are five places you may feel you are safe from Canada geese, but are in fact, not. Because nowhere is safe.
- Your house
Sure, we all know that Canada geese cannot enter a dwelling unless invited, but you may not have realized that if you own a Canada Goose jacket (and we know you do), that’s an exception and they’ll come right in. Even if you lock all of your doors and windows, a Canada goose can fly at speeds reaching 100km/h in a dive, do you really think window panes will be enough to stop them?
- A bread factory
You think you’re being clever? You can’t double bluff a Canada goose you damn fool, they know more about psychology than you or I will ever know, they know you better than you know yourself!
- An underground bunker
Sure, you may think you’re safe behind several metres of reinforced concrete, but every bunker needs a fresh air supply, and you’d invite the geese to nest a whole army in your air ducts. You’ll spend your last days breathing in nothing but goose crap.
- Your dreams
Everyone knows that Canada geese are the Freddy Krueger of geese, they’ll follow you right in there Inception-style, or astral project into your unconscious thoughts while you sleep.
- Mars
Think you can escape the danger by leaving Earth behind entirely and snagging a ticket to the eventual Blue Origin or SpaceX Mars colony? Wrong. They’ll find a way. They’ll always find a way.
