OTTAWA – If pizza deliveryman Rick Pounder could say one thing to all Ottawans, it would be to stop giving him blowjobs.
“It used to happen only once every other week, but now I’m up to two, three, even four blowjobs a night,” said Pounder. While initially flattered by the offers, even welcoming them at first, he said that the money he’s losing is starting to strain his finances. “I have a sick child at home, and we lost our health benefits after my wife got laid off. If people keep paying me by sucking my cock to completion, I don’t know how my little girl is going to get better.”
Pounder said it’s gotten so bad that he now refuses to deliver any pizza with extra sausage.
Local stepmom Kylie Vixxxen was disappointed when Pounder cancelled her recent order, telling reporters “If I can’t pay with sexual favours, I don’t know how I’m going to feed my buff, rowdy stepsons. Thirty dollars for one pizza? Come on!” Stittsville based masseur Travis Logjam found himself in a similar position. After losing his job, he had to survive for a whole week on pizzas that were paid for with fellatio. “What, am I supposed to try to blow the cashier at the grocery store? Even if I wanted to, it’s all self-checkout!”
Carlton University economist Rita Freedman says that food delivery apps are also driving demand for what she dubs “alternative forms of payment.” When customers have to pay in the app, they can no longer seduce their delivery drivers and pay by other means, such as handjobs or cunnilingus. In Steamy Pie Pizza’s case, they are the only restaurant in the area that operates their own delivery service. They therefore have a local monopoly on the customer base of housewives who are a little short on cash and whose husbands are away on a work trip. When combined with other economic headwinds like inflation and unemployment, Freeman says the result is a gaping hole of demand that men like Pounder are left to fill over and over again.
Brad Driller is Rick Pounder’s boss and the owner of Steamy Pie Pizza, and he says that Pounder’s position is a symptom of tightening economic conditions.
“I got into the pizza game as a delivery driver when I was eighteen,” said Driller. “And that’s where I had all of my first sexual experiences. In fact, it’s why I started my own pizza restaurant. I wanted to give tall, buff, and well-endowed young men opportunities to have all kinds of sexual encounters.” He said that he never intended for his delivery jobs to be long term positions, but as the job market cooled and hiring slowed down to a trickle, his fleet of hot young men gradually turned into sexy mature DILFs.
For their part, the Pounder family are doing what they can to make ends meet. Rick’s wife Rachel has just found a job as a nurse, and Rick has taken up a second job as a plumber. Meanwhile, Prime Minister Mark Carney has just announced a five hundred dollar tax credit for well-endowed pizza delivery drivers.
