TORONTO – After another quarter of rapid growth and impressive profits, Amazon’s CEO Jeff Bezos has announced the company must immediately do another round of layoffs.
The announcement comes just months after all of the Amazon executives and board were forced to meet in Venice following Bezos’ wedding. During that meeting, they spoke about their sacrifices, hard-work, and smarts. After listening to Bezos’ speech about the importance of “the Amazon family” over a $40,000 bottle of D’Amalfi Limoncello Supreme, they toasted to job security as the highest paid employees whose jobs are never in jeopardy.
Citing that underlings are annoying to deal with and that AI is the future, Bezos had no issues blaming the record profits on creating an obligation to Amazon shareholders that was bigger than any one person, or 2,300 persons.
“Growth like this doesn’t just happen,” remarked Bezos, from his desk on his yacht that cost more than the combined salaries of everyone who was laid off. “When you look at these unbelievably, high revenue numbers, you understand my point of view that Amazon cannot responsibly keep these people employed.”
Analysts are praising the move as stock prices rose 13% on the news. “This is what the markets need to see,” explained financial consultant, Tony Brighthall. “Once you have a trillion dollar company, you have to ask, how could you increase the valuation slightly higher? The answer is always fewer employees. It’s basic math.”
The 2,300 affected employees were notified via a Slack bot message informing them that their work is all done, but like forever. “I tried to follow up with HR but all I got was an auto response saying you know what happened,” said Jessica Chan, former marketing analytics manager. “It was one month before the annual bonuses were supposed to come out. Although last year, because the company did so well, we all got 0% of our bonuses”
The Amazon AI agent responded to our request for comment as the entire communications department was laid off. “We’ll come out of this stronger, Amazon I mean. Obviously not the people fired.”
